so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
