end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
