She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
