dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
