last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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