A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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