38 yer olds are good kisserssss
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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