pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize