My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Why can't burritos get me drunk
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
