but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
