Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
