1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
