Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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