Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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