took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
