Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
