Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
