I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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