there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
