I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
