My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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