why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
