yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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