I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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