you traded sex for a burrito?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
