and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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