Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
