i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
