I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
