My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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