the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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