from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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