After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize