3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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