I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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