I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
