phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize