I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
