she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
