I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
