Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
