did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize