Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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