My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
too bad you live with your parents still
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
