Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
