So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
