some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
