I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
