He uses pillows to masturbate.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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