I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
