So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
