I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
