he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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