worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just blew my weed a kiss
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
