This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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