Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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