Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
