he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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