i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize