Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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