Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
