the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
